Life Is Beautiful

**Warning: Movie Spoiler Ahead**

Last night Paul & I watched Life Is Beautiful. It's a 1997 Italian film about a Jewish Italian man, Guido, who helps his son, Joshua, and his wife, Dora (Italian but not Jewish) survive in a Nazi concentration camp by making his son think the whole thing is a game, a contest to win a real tank--the first one to 1000 points win; and by communicating to his wife through the intercom and music while in the camp. He gives Joshua rules (no crying, no wanting your mommy, no snacks, he has to stay hidden and quiet, etc.) and then helps to remind him how important it is to keep the rules and win. Near the end of the movie, Guido is informed by a fellow detainee that the war is over and the Nazis are trying to destroy all evidence of the camp and prisoners. Guido hides Joshua, tells him not to come out until there's no one left and he doesn't hear anything, and then rushes off to find Dora to try and save her. In his efforts, he is caught by a Nazi guard who takes him and kills him. The next morning, the camp is quiet and Joshua leaves his hiding place. He enters the empty street and looks around to see a U.S. tank drive down the street. He's excited, believing his dad was telling the truth and he just won a tank. The U.S. officer picks him up and as they leave the camp along with several detainees who survived the night. Along the way Joshua sees his mom and is reunited with her telling her that he won! The movie is narrated by an older, wiser, grateful Joshua who recognizes the sacrifice his father made to keep him alive. The movie won several Academy Awards including Best Foreign Language Film.

Paul was working in a movie theatre when it was released so he had seen most of it before. This was my first time watching it and it touched my heart. I enjoyed the beginning of the movie and then was tense and nervous, and sick, for the rest of the movie. I was sickened as I thought of the real victims of the Holocaust and as I realized that their experiences were undoubtedly much, much worse than it was portrayed in the film; that families and people were torn apart and treated as animals, less than human.

The movie was very well done. I was moved by how the father tried to make every experience in the concentration camp a positive one for his son, to constantly give him hope, never giving up the facade he had created, never exposing the truth as to why they were really there... all the while knowing they may not make it out alive. It really made me just want to hold my children and my husband close and give thanks to a kind Heavenly Father for them. It made me remember how blessed I am to live in a day and time when, probably thanks to the Holocaust, such an atrocity would not be responded to as slowly as it was then.

It also made me so much more grateful for the plan of salvation and the atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. To have knowledge and faith that, thanks to Jesus Christ, this life is not the end. We will be able to be reunited with our families forever and all those families who were, are and surely will be unrighteously ripped from their families were, are and will be reunited with those families again. Though it may be little consolation to those without such understanding, and even to some with, such faith and knowledge gives me great hope as we live in these last days--of wars, rumors of wars, earthquakes, natural disasters, diseases, pestilences, when living a moral life and seeking that for our children is viewed as intolerant, bigoted and weak; when "bad" or sin is preached as good and desireable, and when Satan's grasp on the hearts of men is so strong and his reign here on the earth and is so open and rampant--that if I remain strong and endure to the end, I can have my family forever! And for that reason, life really should be "beautiful" all of the time!

The Birth of Clark

So when Lissa said she wanted to name her baby Clark there were several people who weren't thrilled about the idea. I wasn't sure what to think. After explaining her reasoning, it made a lot more sense. She wanted to give new, good meaning to the name.....so that it's not necessarily a "4-letter word" to my family forever after...especially considering we still have family members with the last name and a whole new generation of Clarks. Well, Clark Abram McDonald was born Thursday, November 6.....ironically, the same date and day even that my mom and dad were married 33 years ago. I just thought it was interesting that he was born , giving a rebirth to the name Clark, on the same day that our own Clark family was born, so to speak. Just kind of makes it mean more I think.

Clark Abram McDonald -- 7 lbs, 8 oz 20 inches long

Happy Birthday Mom!

This is MY MOM! Today is her birthday and I just thought I'd let everyone know what a great mom she is! She has been a huge support to me throughout my life as well as a great roommate, a personal/spiritual advisor, a fun grandma, and most of all a best friend! She is incredibly talented and has always been a wonderful example to me of faith, hard work, endurance, and love.
I love you, Mom!

New callings galore!

So it's been awhile since I've mentioned what's going on with me personally. I've started walking everyday with my neighbor Jamie and that has gone great! She's a fun walking partner and we get along very well. We usually get in a good 45-50 minute walk every morning and we talk the whole time! I don't think I've lost any weight yet but still, I feel better knowing that I'm doing a little exercise everyday. I'm building my way back up to a healthy resolve! Hopefully the cold & snow will hold off a little this year so that we don't have to quit too soon.

Tomorrow I start working for a couple of weeks to help out at Digis. The receptionist is getting married and it sounds like she's having a lengthy honeymoon so I'll be filling in for the next two-three weeks. I'm looking forward to it since it'll give me a chance to get out a little each day. I'm only actually going in to the office during the day (4 hrs a day) for the first week or so while they train me and then I'll be able to go in when Paul gets home so that he can watch the boys. There's a chance that I may be able to do some of the work at home too!

And as for the "new callings galore," well, about 3 weeks ago Paul & I were released as the Valiant 10 teachers and called to be the Cub Scout Wolf Den Leaders. We have about seven 8 yr old boys that come over every week now for us to teach them something new! Thank goodness for the helpful calendar of activies they have in the BSA magazine that's sent out. The boys are, well, boys! It kind of makes me nervous for when Ryan & Ben grow up! YIKES!! So much energy!!

Today I was called as the Enrichment Leader for Relief Society. Since that's really more of a quarterly calling now it shouldn't interfere too much with the Cub Scout calling but I must say, I was somewhat surprised! I got a call last night from Brother Larson saying he needed to meet with me this morning to discuss some "ward business" and I was kind of confused. I mean, I just got a new calling 3 weeks ago! I knew he was over Relief Society so I went over the possibilities but to be honest, I couldn't come up with much. The RS presidency was just reorganized in August and with it, almost every calling in the RS! Almost. The only thing I could come up with that made sense was Enrichment committee....and I turned out to be right! And yet, Heavenly Father still always manages to surprise me! I expected to be called as a committee member but had never even considered Enrichment Leader! But I've been blessed with more strength and ability to handle the two new callings and my family and have been given a vote of confidence not only by Heavenly Father but the Enrichment Counselor and bishopric as well. So with a lot of prayer and help I should be able to pull it off!

It's kind of funny. I've always told everybody (when it comes up) that my lot in the church certainly appears to be Primary and Enrichment. Ever since I was 18! First it was Sunbeams, then Primary 1st Counselor, then RS 2nd Counselor (over Enrichment), then CTR 5 teacher, then Enrichment committee, then Primary again for the Valiant 10, now Cub Scouts--which is close enough to Primary that I'll count it in with that--and now Enrichment Leader. There have been a couple other callings sprinkled in there but they didn't last long and for the most part, Primary and Enrichment is where I've spent the majority of my time. I've always believed that the Lord puts people where he most needs them and where they can do the most good. I must have some serious talent in these areas that I really need to hone in on and develop because it does seem that is where the Lord seems content to place me time after time and therefore, where he must need me the most!

Happy Birthday to ME!

I know.....I'm vain! I've always loved my birthday every year and I intend to enjoy it to the fullest! And in some ways it's pretty amazing I made it to 29! (Being the accident-prone "klutzo" that I am!) But I've made it this far and overall, life's been pretty good to me! And I'm really not nearly as accident-prone anymore like I used to be so I really am improving! I have a great husband, two wonderful children who are often too cute for words!! A great family and wonderful set of in-laws have been a great blessing in my life. And I have pretty great friends as well. Thank you to everyone who's helped me get to where I am today! I know I've a long way to go but I wouldn't have gotten this far without your help. Thanks for being great influences in my life!

Biting the Bullet

It's been a long time since my last post. I've had several requests for another one, though they were probably referring more to my family site than this one. But since it's been longer for this one I thought I'd start with this one. The truth is, I haven't really lost any weight yet. Although I did get on the scale one morning and it said 229.8, twice in a row! But then later the next day I was already back up to 236.4. Must have been water weight.

The good news is, I found a walking partner!! WOOHOO!! My neighbor, Jamie, walks her kids to school every morning and then usually extends her walk to a 40-60 minute exercise. She actually walks three times a day but for the time being, I will only be accompanying her for the first walk of the day. She understands my desire to lose weight and seems genuinely interested in helping me out which is encouraging. And since school is five days a week, it'll be a five-day-a-week program!

There are several benefits to this: One, I'll be exercising daily. Two, I'll have someone holding me to exercising everyday (Jamie told me, "I'm gonna hold you to it!"). Three, I'll actually be getting up and out of the house at least one time a day. Four, my kids will actually get a little sun everyday. Five, I'll be more conscious of my eating habits because Jamie (a vegan--not that I'm going to become vegan but she eats healthily) has already questioned me on my eating habits and is holding me accountable for that and encouraging me to knock the refined sugars. And, six, I'll feel even better knowing that I am finally doing something consistently that will make a difference over time!

SO! I am recommitted. I know that sounds hollow after the last 3 months of no progess at all but the truth is, I have a hard time following through on things, especially on my own. Now that I have a partner who will, at the very least, just get me walking daily, I feel like I can add the other elements myself. And although I'm putting a lot of confidence in her saying, "I'm gonna hold you to it," that in no way releases me from the responsibility of following through. It's still my responsibility to see that the changes are made but I can do it! So weight loss goal, take two.

Week 1 Update...

Well, it's now been a full week and let's just say I've had a rough start. The good news is, I do believe there were several occasions where I ate less than I would normally have eaten and I did exercise at least once. And I ran around (just running errands and things like that) a little more than I normally do. I'm going to have to make a more concerted effort if I'm really going to make a difference though. The other good news is that I finally have a bathroom scale and I can therefore track my progress more accurately. I really still have a strong desire and even still feel motivated to change so that's also encouraging.

Thanks to all of you who have shown your support already! It really does help!

One Last Thing...

I was just reminded of during our little family scripture study about 5 minutes ago of the verse in Alma 37:6, the verse I have written under the title of my blog. As I read that to my little boys, I was gently reminded of my need to include my Heavenly Father in this mission I am embarking on. I know that I will be much more successful in this venture as I put first things first and that means making personal scripture study and prayer as important as the goals I set previously. I'm sure that as I improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, I will be blessed with renewed motivation and determination to follow through in my weak moments and perhaps discouraging days ahead.

So to make them as important, I will have to document my goals in those two areas as well: Personal prayer: at least twice daily, morning and night. Scripture study: at least 30 minutes daily.

It's Time...

This is it! It's time to start making myself accountable for my weight. If I'm ever going to even pretend to keep up with my children, and be completely satisfied with myself, I need to make some changes. BIG changes! And the longer I put it off, the more weight I'll gain.

As embarrasing as it may be to publicly talk about my weight problem, I've decided it's worse to pretend it doesn't exist and continue to gain, or worse yet, to know that it exists, talk about it, complain about it, and continue to do nothing about it! I'm hoping by publicly expressing and documenting my desire to change, I will feel more accountability to change. Even if I'm my only reader, by actually documenting changes, I will be encouraged to make changes to document. I certainly don't want to be logging on week after week, month after month, admitting there has been no change.

I've struggled with my weight most of my life. In high school it was easier to maintain because I had P.E. classes everyday (I took P.E. for 4 years even!), and though you wouldn't guess it by looking at me now, I was on the swim team and I played water polo. Even in college (community college) I took an aerobics class every semester and I was on the swim team there for a little bit too! I still love to swim but the idea of getting into a bathing suit now just depresses me. I like to be active but have found myself becoming less and less active because things seem to require more energy than I have. I served a mission in Argentina and walked everywhere for 18 months, lost 40 lbs, was the lowest weight I'd been since high school, and my mom didn't even recognize me when I got home! She kept looking right past me at the airport! But every time I've lost weight, I've gained it back and then some.

Several months ago I tried Weight Watchers and I lost 10 pounds but then I got too busy to attend meetings and I just kind of lost it. I've since gained those 10 pounds back plus 3 or 4 more. I now weigh about 5 lbs less than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Ryan! That is a scary thought. What's more, truthfully, I can't even blame my extra weight on being pregnant because with Ryan I weighed 2 lbs less after he was born than I did at my first appt with him--I only gained 21 lbs total with him--and with Ben, I only gained about 26 lbs total, most of which came off when he was born.

Why do I struggle so?! Well, I guess the number one reason is I love to eat! I love food! Can you blame me? It's good!! The number two reason is that I don't exercise like I used to anymore. I used to do all sorts of exercise. Even on my own, outside of classes, I would do Tae-Bo, walking, I tried pilates, and even some of my own swimming on occasion. I didn't mind doing any of it but between job changes and major life changes, my habits dissolved and my focus shifted. I've "let myself go."

But no more! I went hiking last friday (see http://www.tannerfamilytales.blogspot.com/) and it was a very difficult hike for me due to my excess weight. Paul carried Ben on his shoulders and a backpack on his back the whole way up as did Kendra with Ryan and a backpack and here I was stopping every 20 feet huffing and puffing. I made it. That was the good part. I did make it to the end but it would have been much easier if I weren't carrying around an extra 100 lbs. Something needs to be done if I'm going to continue to go hiking with my little family.

So what's the plan? Well for now I'm not necessarily going to change what I eat as much as how much I eat. No more seconds on meals. I will need to cut out the extra sweets here and there but for the most part I'm going to start with portion control. I don't think I eat poorly as much as I just eat too much. As the weight starts coming off, then I may have to adjust my diet a little to make sure I continue to lose and don't plateau. But for now, I'll just worry about eating less. And then I also will want to make sure I'm drinking enough water on a daily basis because I know that will help a lot not only to cleanse my body but to curb my hunger.

The other thing I'm going to do is start exercising and getting my heart rate up a little every day. I'll start with at least 30 minutes a day, 4-5 days a week since that's the normal doctor recommended timeframe. I still have my Tae-Bo tapes as well as some pilates DVDs which may be helpful but even easier than that, Paul's grandmother sold me her Gazelle and that's pretty easy to set up and take down everyday. I have the tools to exercise so I will just need to start taking the time to actually use them. I could use the Gazelle when the boys are napping and then, come to think of it, Ryan may just enjoy trying to do Tae-Bo with me and it would be a good way for him to start developing a love of exercise. (He may be a little young still and he obviously doesn't have any weight to lose but I figure it can't hurt him!)

The last thing I need to do is document my starting point and my desired end result, the short term and the long term goals. This is the more embarrasing, humiliating part. On the other hand, it also becomes the exciting motivator when I can see where I started and how far I've come. So here it goes:

My starting weight: 235. My desired weight: 140. Short term goals: Lose 5-8 lbs per month. Long term goal: Lose 95 total lbs. Total probable length of trial: 12-19 months. To be quite honest, I don't think I've ever set a goal like this with such detail and documentation so to accomplish this feat it will take a lot of patience. I would appreciate any and all encouragement as well as random reminders and inquiries about my progress. I will try to post every week or two to give updates.

So for those of you who made it to the end of this very long blog, thank you. Now you know my actual weight, please don't use it against me. Wish me luck!

Thy Will, O Lord, Not Mine Be Done

This past week has been an emotional one for me. Those who know me know I tend to be a very emotional person and also that I can be quite opinionated about certain things. And when my opinions and my emotions combine, I can become pretty stubborn. This has become a trial of sorts for me lately because, without going into too many details, there has been a person I love a lot making some choices that I don't particularly agree with. I have been worried sick over her and have even gone without sleep a few times; Sunday night most recently. I feel I have valid reasons for the position I've taken and I've even consciously tried to express them with great care and tact but she hasn't been very happy with me lately and in fact, refused to speak to me for a full month.

The dilemma I have is that it's her life and it's not my right to interefere, but at the same time, I felt I needed to make sure that she's clear on where her family stands on the issue. I don't feel it's entirely fair that she make the decision she's up against without understanding clearly how her family feels and more importantly, her parents. I felt it was important for them to be direct and honest with her because it's one of those decisions that, although it's hers to make, in the long-run, it could effect her relationship with her family. Up until two days ago, she thought I was the only person feeling the way I feel and had no clue that, in fact, her parents and her siblings feel the same way I do. That came as a shock to her on Monday since they had never told her directly how they felt and she had believed they approved of her choices due to some of the encouraging-sounding comments they've made to her.

The truth is, the reason her parents finally told her how they felt is because after no sleep on Sunday night, I called her to talk about it and I made the mistake of bringing them into my conversation with her. It wasn't my place to do it. I shouldn't have done it. And yet in my weakness I "ratted them out" so to speak because I was tired of her thinking it was all just me. I called her parents immediately to apologize for bringing them into my conflict with her as it really wasn't my place to do so but being the wonderful people they are, they were not angry with me. My dear friend had already called them to ask if I was telling the truth and they both told her individually and separately that they don't really agree with all of her choices so far and that they are somewhat concerned for the outcome.

There it was. She couldn't blame me anymore. And though I still am concerned about what happens, I feel as though a burden has been lifted. Now if she chooses to pursue her present course, it will not be under the false pretense that everyone but I approves. I guess I feel that as long as she understands where the people who love her the most stand on the issue, she will have reason to more carefully contemplate what she wants the outcome to be and perhaps reason to explore what it is that we're not comfortable with, thus helping her to see a bigger picture. Does that make sense? I feel like my thoughts are a little unclear and I'm trying to express them clearly but I'm not sure I'm succeeding. Anyway, even if she decides not to explore those reasons and chooses, rather, to prove to us why we're wrong, she will be doing so consciously and not blindly with a mistaken sense of approval.

I guess the open honest communication is what really gave me relief. The issue still exists. It's not going to go away anytime soon. But now that everyone has been honest, I feel like I can cope better with whatever the results are, even if they're not what I want. And even though the decision is not mine and it's not about me at all, I will be effected by the outcome emotionally. I don't know that I can help that. I love her and care for her.

In the midst of all this though I came to a new level of understanding and gratitude for my Heavenly Father. It must be extremely painful for him to watch his children make decisions he doesn't agree with. Every time I mess up, he must care. It would seem to me that he can't help but to care, he's my Father. And though this friend of mine isn't my child, I care a lot! I know when it's my own children I'll care and hurt just as much if they ever stray off course.

But the question is, will I be able to handle it properly? This experience has made me appreciate that Heavenly Father has lots of practice and experience dealing with disappointment. He must have because he has learned how to deal with it perfectly. He's learned how to deal with the pain and the heartache of losing his children and still continues to allow us to make our own stupid mistakes! And it made realize I have a long, long, long way to go before I handle any situation like this properly, let alone perfectly!

It also made me realize that allowing your children agency is also a very scary prospect. Though I understand why it's necessary, I wonder if I'll be strong enough to allow my children freedom to make mistakes. It seems like such a scary prospect because coping with the consequences could end up being very difficult trials. And yet, can I deny them the same gift that's been given me? Of course not! It's not my gift to deny! I guess it just means I'll have to do a good job as a parent teaching my children how to make decisions properly and where to find that wonderful Fountain of All Truth.

I realized too that as far as charity goes, I've also got a long way to go. I need to learn to love people inspite of their weaknesses or things I don't like about them. Does that mean I need to carelessly trust anyone who comes my way? Of course not. But it does mean that I need to respect all people as children of God. It's easy to do that in situations where things are going your way, but the real test is if you can learn to do it when things aren't going your way. And so far, I've got some work to do.

As I was up very, very late Sunday night/Monday morning, I came to the realization that I need to learn to say with a pure and honest heart "Thy will, O Lord, not mine be done." I need to learn to trust the Lord more and not feel the need to control every situation. My outspokenness isn't really that outspoken among most crowds but within my family and with some of my friends, I can be somewhat of a bulldozer. I don't mean to be but at some point I'm going to have to let people learn from their own mistakes and without always having to voice my opinion. And hey, I may just be surprised! Maybe what I think is a mistake isn't a mistake at all, rather, it's my own ignorance.

I may come across many times as a know-it-all and self-righteous, but I don't mean to. I just get so passionate about certain issues, especially when I think I am right. But even when I think I'm right, I'm not always so I should probably learn to hold my tongue a little more often. And on things where I don't know what the outcome will be (so basically everything) I just need to trust more in my Heavenly Father and be able to say faithfully, "Thy will, O Lord, not mine be done."

Well, it's late and I hope this blog makes sense. I feel like it kind of jumps around a little here and there so if it's hard to follow, I apologize. Good night!

Surprise, Surprise!

I'm tired. Should I be? Probably not. It's not like I've worked extremely hard or anything because I really haven't. It probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I did not sleep well last night with Ryan waking me up every 2 hours. You'd think he was 3 weeks old not (almost) 3 years with the way he's been getting up lately!

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: I did it! I tackled the laundry and FINALLY! for the first time in 8 months, probably more (yikes! and I can't even use pregnancy as an excuse) it is all clean and all put away all at the same time. That's right. ALL of it!! And what's even better than that?! The kitchen is still clean! Oh yeah, that's right! I got the laundry done and kept my kitchen clean all week! I'm feeling pretty good about it!

And it's really a good thing that I started this endeavor when I did because this afternoon Paul surprised me with an, "Oh by the way, Honey, we may be having some people drop by tonight from my work. They're doing a home theatre tour and our name was on the list." Now normally that would put me into panic mode thinking, AAAUUUGGGHHH! My house isn't near ready and you're telling me this now?! BUT, this time, I didn't! Of course there were a few things I thought could use some more cleaning. I'm sure there will always be something else that could look cleaner or nicer, maybe a few pictures on the wall, that kind of thing; but for the most part, my kitchen was clean, there wasn't laundry spewing all over the place, and the rest could be straightened up fairly quickly. I didn't get my kitchen floor mopped or anything but I felt comfortable enough even having complete strangers from Paul's work wander through our house!

So I know my parents taught me to prepare things ahead of time; you know, get ready at the beginning of the day and then you'll be ready for anything that comes up. That's one I'm still working on and believe me, I wish I had it mastered already because there have been several times where I have wished that I was already dressed and ready to go because a friend called me last minute or something like that. But I don't think I ever applied that so much as a good reason for having a clean home on a regular basis. I am really beginning to see the value in looking at keeping my house clean and getting the chores down now (as opposed to procrastinating until we have absolutely nothing clean left to wear or eat off of) as a preemptive strategy rather than a drudgery. I'm just planning ahead for whatever comes next. And if the next thing happens to be a bunch of random people showing up to my house or just a neighbor who needs to borrow the phone, I won't have to be in panic mode because I will have already prepared for, yea, even anticipated a surprise visit.

Little Victories

Ever feel like you just can't get certain things under control no matter how hard you try? It seems like ever since we've moved into our new home (back in September!!) I have not been able to manage getting our whole house clean all at the same time and I haven't been totally caught up on the laundry ever either! I've gotten either the top floor all cleaned at once or the basement all clean at once, but never both all at the same time and the laundry is so tricky because as soon as I think I'm caught up, there's more!! And then there's my kitchen which seems to be messy more often than it should be despite the fact that, as my sister likes to point out every time she visits, I have a dishwasher!

Well, my kitchen is clean! Not only is it clean, but yesterday we had my in-laws over for dinner and even after a nice big meal, it's still clean! Already! I KNOW!! The secret to my success is much easier than I've ever made it to be.....have the kitchen clean BEFORE dinner starts! Well duh! I've known that for some time and it has been a goal of mine before every big dinner (especially ones with guests involved) for probably years but yesterday we actually made it happen!! I had the kitchen entirely clean (except for the dishes we were actually using) and the dishwasher was actually emptied and everything! And I used paper plates so the only thing we had to worry about were serving dishes, silverware, and cups! Cleaning the kitchen took 20 minutes max! And that includes putting away extra food and cleaning off and taking down the extra table we used.

Very much encouraged by accomplishing such a feat (small as it may be), I have decided to tackle the laundry once and for all. It's really quite exciting to walk into a clean kitchen and I know I will enjoy walking into a clean laundry room as well. I've already got a load going in the washer! I will conquer the laundry once and for all!

I realize to the average homemaker I am a dreadful underachiever but no matter. I will take these little victories as they come and allow them to motivate and encourage me until I reach a level of productivity more equal to the tasks presented me.

This blog will therefore become my "Little Victories" blog. The fact that I got this blog started and I'm writing again is a victory in and of itself! I suppose everything I share may not be little-victory related as everything I write about will probably not have to do with any great (or small) accomplishments. I started the family blog (tannerfamilytales.blogspot) for things of note in my family. I have since decided to start my own as well for an opportunity to share my own personal thoughts and feelings on a more regular basis of things that may or may not be Tanner Family related. So I encourage you to beware! This could end up being a very dull blog to read!