Thy Will, O Lord, Not Mine Be Done

This past week has been an emotional one for me. Those who know me know I tend to be a very emotional person and also that I can be quite opinionated about certain things. And when my opinions and my emotions combine, I can become pretty stubborn. This has become a trial of sorts for me lately because, without going into too many details, there has been a person I love a lot making some choices that I don't particularly agree with. I have been worried sick over her and have even gone without sleep a few times; Sunday night most recently. I feel I have valid reasons for the position I've taken and I've even consciously tried to express them with great care and tact but she hasn't been very happy with me lately and in fact, refused to speak to me for a full month.

The dilemma I have is that it's her life and it's not my right to interefere, but at the same time, I felt I needed to make sure that she's clear on where her family stands on the issue. I don't feel it's entirely fair that she make the decision she's up against without understanding clearly how her family feels and more importantly, her parents. I felt it was important for them to be direct and honest with her because it's one of those decisions that, although it's hers to make, in the long-run, it could effect her relationship with her family. Up until two days ago, she thought I was the only person feeling the way I feel and had no clue that, in fact, her parents and her siblings feel the same way I do. That came as a shock to her on Monday since they had never told her directly how they felt and she had believed they approved of her choices due to some of the encouraging-sounding comments they've made to her.

The truth is, the reason her parents finally told her how they felt is because after no sleep on Sunday night, I called her to talk about it and I made the mistake of bringing them into my conversation with her. It wasn't my place to do it. I shouldn't have done it. And yet in my weakness I "ratted them out" so to speak because I was tired of her thinking it was all just me. I called her parents immediately to apologize for bringing them into my conflict with her as it really wasn't my place to do so but being the wonderful people they are, they were not angry with me. My dear friend had already called them to ask if I was telling the truth and they both told her individually and separately that they don't really agree with all of her choices so far and that they are somewhat concerned for the outcome.

There it was. She couldn't blame me anymore. And though I still am concerned about what happens, I feel as though a burden has been lifted. Now if she chooses to pursue her present course, it will not be under the false pretense that everyone but I approves. I guess I feel that as long as she understands where the people who love her the most stand on the issue, she will have reason to more carefully contemplate what she wants the outcome to be and perhaps reason to explore what it is that we're not comfortable with, thus helping her to see a bigger picture. Does that make sense? I feel like my thoughts are a little unclear and I'm trying to express them clearly but I'm not sure I'm succeeding. Anyway, even if she decides not to explore those reasons and chooses, rather, to prove to us why we're wrong, she will be doing so consciously and not blindly with a mistaken sense of approval.

I guess the open honest communication is what really gave me relief. The issue still exists. It's not going to go away anytime soon. But now that everyone has been honest, I feel like I can cope better with whatever the results are, even if they're not what I want. And even though the decision is not mine and it's not about me at all, I will be effected by the outcome emotionally. I don't know that I can help that. I love her and care for her.

In the midst of all this though I came to a new level of understanding and gratitude for my Heavenly Father. It must be extremely painful for him to watch his children make decisions he doesn't agree with. Every time I mess up, he must care. It would seem to me that he can't help but to care, he's my Father. And though this friend of mine isn't my child, I care a lot! I know when it's my own children I'll care and hurt just as much if they ever stray off course.

But the question is, will I be able to handle it properly? This experience has made me appreciate that Heavenly Father has lots of practice and experience dealing with disappointment. He must have because he has learned how to deal with it perfectly. He's learned how to deal with the pain and the heartache of losing his children and still continues to allow us to make our own stupid mistakes! And it made realize I have a long, long, long way to go before I handle any situation like this properly, let alone perfectly!

It also made me realize that allowing your children agency is also a very scary prospect. Though I understand why it's necessary, I wonder if I'll be strong enough to allow my children freedom to make mistakes. It seems like such a scary prospect because coping with the consequences could end up being very difficult trials. And yet, can I deny them the same gift that's been given me? Of course not! It's not my gift to deny! I guess it just means I'll have to do a good job as a parent teaching my children how to make decisions properly and where to find that wonderful Fountain of All Truth.

I realized too that as far as charity goes, I've also got a long way to go. I need to learn to love people inspite of their weaknesses or things I don't like about them. Does that mean I need to carelessly trust anyone who comes my way? Of course not. But it does mean that I need to respect all people as children of God. It's easy to do that in situations where things are going your way, but the real test is if you can learn to do it when things aren't going your way. And so far, I've got some work to do.

As I was up very, very late Sunday night/Monday morning, I came to the realization that I need to learn to say with a pure and honest heart "Thy will, O Lord, not mine be done." I need to learn to trust the Lord more and not feel the need to control every situation. My outspokenness isn't really that outspoken among most crowds but within my family and with some of my friends, I can be somewhat of a bulldozer. I don't mean to be but at some point I'm going to have to let people learn from their own mistakes and without always having to voice my opinion. And hey, I may just be surprised! Maybe what I think is a mistake isn't a mistake at all, rather, it's my own ignorance.

I may come across many times as a know-it-all and self-righteous, but I don't mean to. I just get so passionate about certain issues, especially when I think I am right. But even when I think I'm right, I'm not always so I should probably learn to hold my tongue a little more often. And on things where I don't know what the outcome will be (so basically everything) I just need to trust more in my Heavenly Father and be able to say faithfully, "Thy will, O Lord, not mine be done."

Well, it's late and I hope this blog makes sense. I feel like it kind of jumps around a little here and there so if it's hard to follow, I apologize. Good night!