Week 1 Update...

Well, it's now been a full week and let's just say I've had a rough start. The good news is, I do believe there were several occasions where I ate less than I would normally have eaten and I did exercise at least once. And I ran around (just running errands and things like that) a little more than I normally do. I'm going to have to make a more concerted effort if I'm really going to make a difference though. The other good news is that I finally have a bathroom scale and I can therefore track my progress more accurately. I really still have a strong desire and even still feel motivated to change so that's also encouraging.

Thanks to all of you who have shown your support already! It really does help!

One Last Thing...

I was just reminded of during our little family scripture study about 5 minutes ago of the verse in Alma 37:6, the verse I have written under the title of my blog. As I read that to my little boys, I was gently reminded of my need to include my Heavenly Father in this mission I am embarking on. I know that I will be much more successful in this venture as I put first things first and that means making personal scripture study and prayer as important as the goals I set previously. I'm sure that as I improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, I will be blessed with renewed motivation and determination to follow through in my weak moments and perhaps discouraging days ahead.

So to make them as important, I will have to document my goals in those two areas as well: Personal prayer: at least twice daily, morning and night. Scripture study: at least 30 minutes daily.

It's Time...

This is it! It's time to start making myself accountable for my weight. If I'm ever going to even pretend to keep up with my children, and be completely satisfied with myself, I need to make some changes. BIG changes! And the longer I put it off, the more weight I'll gain.

As embarrasing as it may be to publicly talk about my weight problem, I've decided it's worse to pretend it doesn't exist and continue to gain, or worse yet, to know that it exists, talk about it, complain about it, and continue to do nothing about it! I'm hoping by publicly expressing and documenting my desire to change, I will feel more accountability to change. Even if I'm my only reader, by actually documenting changes, I will be encouraged to make changes to document. I certainly don't want to be logging on week after week, month after month, admitting there has been no change.

I've struggled with my weight most of my life. In high school it was easier to maintain because I had P.E. classes everyday (I took P.E. for 4 years even!), and though you wouldn't guess it by looking at me now, I was on the swim team and I played water polo. Even in college (community college) I took an aerobics class every semester and I was on the swim team there for a little bit too! I still love to swim but the idea of getting into a bathing suit now just depresses me. I like to be active but have found myself becoming less and less active because things seem to require more energy than I have. I served a mission in Argentina and walked everywhere for 18 months, lost 40 lbs, was the lowest weight I'd been since high school, and my mom didn't even recognize me when I got home! She kept looking right past me at the airport! But every time I've lost weight, I've gained it back and then some.

Several months ago I tried Weight Watchers and I lost 10 pounds but then I got too busy to attend meetings and I just kind of lost it. I've since gained those 10 pounds back plus 3 or 4 more. I now weigh about 5 lbs less than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Ryan! That is a scary thought. What's more, truthfully, I can't even blame my extra weight on being pregnant because with Ryan I weighed 2 lbs less after he was born than I did at my first appt with him--I only gained 21 lbs total with him--and with Ben, I only gained about 26 lbs total, most of which came off when he was born.

Why do I struggle so?! Well, I guess the number one reason is I love to eat! I love food! Can you blame me? It's good!! The number two reason is that I don't exercise like I used to anymore. I used to do all sorts of exercise. Even on my own, outside of classes, I would do Tae-Bo, walking, I tried pilates, and even some of my own swimming on occasion. I didn't mind doing any of it but between job changes and major life changes, my habits dissolved and my focus shifted. I've "let myself go."

But no more! I went hiking last friday (see http://www.tannerfamilytales.blogspot.com/) and it was a very difficult hike for me due to my excess weight. Paul carried Ben on his shoulders and a backpack on his back the whole way up as did Kendra with Ryan and a backpack and here I was stopping every 20 feet huffing and puffing. I made it. That was the good part. I did make it to the end but it would have been much easier if I weren't carrying around an extra 100 lbs. Something needs to be done if I'm going to continue to go hiking with my little family.

So what's the plan? Well for now I'm not necessarily going to change what I eat as much as how much I eat. No more seconds on meals. I will need to cut out the extra sweets here and there but for the most part I'm going to start with portion control. I don't think I eat poorly as much as I just eat too much. As the weight starts coming off, then I may have to adjust my diet a little to make sure I continue to lose and don't plateau. But for now, I'll just worry about eating less. And then I also will want to make sure I'm drinking enough water on a daily basis because I know that will help a lot not only to cleanse my body but to curb my hunger.

The other thing I'm going to do is start exercising and getting my heart rate up a little every day. I'll start with at least 30 minutes a day, 4-5 days a week since that's the normal doctor recommended timeframe. I still have my Tae-Bo tapes as well as some pilates DVDs which may be helpful but even easier than that, Paul's grandmother sold me her Gazelle and that's pretty easy to set up and take down everyday. I have the tools to exercise so I will just need to start taking the time to actually use them. I could use the Gazelle when the boys are napping and then, come to think of it, Ryan may just enjoy trying to do Tae-Bo with me and it would be a good way for him to start developing a love of exercise. (He may be a little young still and he obviously doesn't have any weight to lose but I figure it can't hurt him!)

The last thing I need to do is document my starting point and my desired end result, the short term and the long term goals. This is the more embarrasing, humiliating part. On the other hand, it also becomes the exciting motivator when I can see where I started and how far I've come. So here it goes:

My starting weight: 235. My desired weight: 140. Short term goals: Lose 5-8 lbs per month. Long term goal: Lose 95 total lbs. Total probable length of trial: 12-19 months. To be quite honest, I don't think I've ever set a goal like this with such detail and documentation so to accomplish this feat it will take a lot of patience. I would appreciate any and all encouragement as well as random reminders and inquiries about my progress. I will try to post every week or two to give updates.

So for those of you who made it to the end of this very long blog, thank you. Now you know my actual weight, please don't use it against me. Wish me luck!

Thy Will, O Lord, Not Mine Be Done

This past week has been an emotional one for me. Those who know me know I tend to be a very emotional person and also that I can be quite opinionated about certain things. And when my opinions and my emotions combine, I can become pretty stubborn. This has become a trial of sorts for me lately because, without going into too many details, there has been a person I love a lot making some choices that I don't particularly agree with. I have been worried sick over her and have even gone without sleep a few times; Sunday night most recently. I feel I have valid reasons for the position I've taken and I've even consciously tried to express them with great care and tact but she hasn't been very happy with me lately and in fact, refused to speak to me for a full month.

The dilemma I have is that it's her life and it's not my right to interefere, but at the same time, I felt I needed to make sure that she's clear on where her family stands on the issue. I don't feel it's entirely fair that she make the decision she's up against without understanding clearly how her family feels and more importantly, her parents. I felt it was important for them to be direct and honest with her because it's one of those decisions that, although it's hers to make, in the long-run, it could effect her relationship with her family. Up until two days ago, she thought I was the only person feeling the way I feel and had no clue that, in fact, her parents and her siblings feel the same way I do. That came as a shock to her on Monday since they had never told her directly how they felt and she had believed they approved of her choices due to some of the encouraging-sounding comments they've made to her.

The truth is, the reason her parents finally told her how they felt is because after no sleep on Sunday night, I called her to talk about it and I made the mistake of bringing them into my conversation with her. It wasn't my place to do it. I shouldn't have done it. And yet in my weakness I "ratted them out" so to speak because I was tired of her thinking it was all just me. I called her parents immediately to apologize for bringing them into my conflict with her as it really wasn't my place to do so but being the wonderful people they are, they were not angry with me. My dear friend had already called them to ask if I was telling the truth and they both told her individually and separately that they don't really agree with all of her choices so far and that they are somewhat concerned for the outcome.

There it was. She couldn't blame me anymore. And though I still am concerned about what happens, I feel as though a burden has been lifted. Now if she chooses to pursue her present course, it will not be under the false pretense that everyone but I approves. I guess I feel that as long as she understands where the people who love her the most stand on the issue, she will have reason to more carefully contemplate what she wants the outcome to be and perhaps reason to explore what it is that we're not comfortable with, thus helping her to see a bigger picture. Does that make sense? I feel like my thoughts are a little unclear and I'm trying to express them clearly but I'm not sure I'm succeeding. Anyway, even if she decides not to explore those reasons and chooses, rather, to prove to us why we're wrong, she will be doing so consciously and not blindly with a mistaken sense of approval.

I guess the open honest communication is what really gave me relief. The issue still exists. It's not going to go away anytime soon. But now that everyone has been honest, I feel like I can cope better with whatever the results are, even if they're not what I want. And even though the decision is not mine and it's not about me at all, I will be effected by the outcome emotionally. I don't know that I can help that. I love her and care for her.

In the midst of all this though I came to a new level of understanding and gratitude for my Heavenly Father. It must be extremely painful for him to watch his children make decisions he doesn't agree with. Every time I mess up, he must care. It would seem to me that he can't help but to care, he's my Father. And though this friend of mine isn't my child, I care a lot! I know when it's my own children I'll care and hurt just as much if they ever stray off course.

But the question is, will I be able to handle it properly? This experience has made me appreciate that Heavenly Father has lots of practice and experience dealing with disappointment. He must have because he has learned how to deal with it perfectly. He's learned how to deal with the pain and the heartache of losing his children and still continues to allow us to make our own stupid mistakes! And it made realize I have a long, long, long way to go before I handle any situation like this properly, let alone perfectly!

It also made me realize that allowing your children agency is also a very scary prospect. Though I understand why it's necessary, I wonder if I'll be strong enough to allow my children freedom to make mistakes. It seems like such a scary prospect because coping with the consequences could end up being very difficult trials. And yet, can I deny them the same gift that's been given me? Of course not! It's not my gift to deny! I guess it just means I'll have to do a good job as a parent teaching my children how to make decisions properly and where to find that wonderful Fountain of All Truth.

I realized too that as far as charity goes, I've also got a long way to go. I need to learn to love people inspite of their weaknesses or things I don't like about them. Does that mean I need to carelessly trust anyone who comes my way? Of course not. But it does mean that I need to respect all people as children of God. It's easy to do that in situations where things are going your way, but the real test is if you can learn to do it when things aren't going your way. And so far, I've got some work to do.

As I was up very, very late Sunday night/Monday morning, I came to the realization that I need to learn to say with a pure and honest heart "Thy will, O Lord, not mine be done." I need to learn to trust the Lord more and not feel the need to control every situation. My outspokenness isn't really that outspoken among most crowds but within my family and with some of my friends, I can be somewhat of a bulldozer. I don't mean to be but at some point I'm going to have to let people learn from their own mistakes and without always having to voice my opinion. And hey, I may just be surprised! Maybe what I think is a mistake isn't a mistake at all, rather, it's my own ignorance.

I may come across many times as a know-it-all and self-righteous, but I don't mean to. I just get so passionate about certain issues, especially when I think I am right. But even when I think I'm right, I'm not always so I should probably learn to hold my tongue a little more often. And on things where I don't know what the outcome will be (so basically everything) I just need to trust more in my Heavenly Father and be able to say faithfully, "Thy will, O Lord, not mine be done."

Well, it's late and I hope this blog makes sense. I feel like it kind of jumps around a little here and there so if it's hard to follow, I apologize. Good night!